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dude. I think I'm going to change my lj. because I'm different from this lj self. so hopefully I'll use the new one more. that's all good then. okay hopefully you all get the message or whatever. cuz I miss the lj lifestyle=]
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I am very worried about my 13 year old cousin, Adeel. He casually asked my brother ( I didn't see it happen, my brother told me) if he smoked. He didn't specify as to what should be smoked so my brother asked him, "smoke what?" and Adeel asked again pretty vaguely if he smoked tobacco. At first, I thought about it and thought that maybe Adeel had found some ciggarettes of my father's or something and figured he must've assumed...but, no. Because for one thing, Adeel has always been kind of too brave. Like, he wants to show people he's not at all a baby too strongly, so he walks like a big man when he's really a little boy. That's fine, though, it's the smoking I'm worried about.
Then, today when I was in the kitchen getting some water, he came in and after teasing me a bit, asked me if I was free Monday. So I was pretty sure I was, and I figured he wanted to take my brother and me to cricket games they have or something, but I ask why he asked. You can imagine how anxious I got when he replied lightly that him and come of my other 13 year old cousins who he's friends with were getting together that day and "do you do, that, uh...hookah pipe?".(english is his 2nd language) But anyways...I just said that maybe I'd come with him if I could but I was pretty shocked. I mean, a 13 year old boy. And what's seriously worrying me even more is that one of the people Adeel will be smoking with on Monday is the little brother of that other cousin (I have a lot) of mine, Umair. The gangster one...it is really worrying me. Dude I feel so much better just typing this. But, I think I'll talk to Adeel as soon as I can, but I gotta run now.
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well, we've been in karachi for about 4 days now and I'm in love with the place already. everytime we come here, I fall in love with it all over again. that's corny, but still. All my family is here, my wonderful cousins and aunts and uncles who do so much for my family and I...how could I not love this place?

The flight we were going to take from JFK airport was supposed to be a 16 hour direct flight with just one short stop in Lahore, which is near Karachi, but when we go to the airport and we were checking in our bags, the woman told us that there would be a stop in Manchester along with the original Lahore stop. so that was pretty unexpected. But, I was alright with it. I watched a lot of movies on the plane, including Elizabethtown, which was a lot more emo than you'd think, but still romantic and ORLANDO BLOOM:). I also saw Walk the Line, which was my favorite because of the music and the acting. It was very real.

We arrived at the airport in Karachi at about 1 a.m. which is fine since eveyrone in pakistan stays up really late. my aunt and uncle and their 3 kids came to get us and sent a driver to take our bags which was obviously very nice. We're staying with them for this whole time, so we really do appreciate all their help.

The heat is pretty bad, we get around 90 to 100 degrees and over usually, but we're always in air conditioned rooms so it' not too bad. We've been seeing lots of family mostly so far, and I met one of my cousins who's a bit older than me, named Shiza. I'd seen her before but never spoken to her just because of the way things are. So her parents and her 2 sisters and 1 brother came over and I saw her sitting all polite and nice like girls should next to her mother, so it was a shock when we went to sit over by ourselves and she remarked, "fuck the parents, I'm so glad we're outta there". It was even more of a shock when she proceeded to tell me all about how pakistan is full of sex, drugs, and violence. I mean, I know it's a 3rd world country, but can you really blame me for believeing that a muslim country would be peaceful and clean? I'd only seen that side of muslims or people in pakistan so far until then. Anyway, it was pretty odd...

One other thing that stuck out from my talk with Shiza was what she told me about one boy cousin of mine, who's about 19, named Umair. I had met him before and I knew he was somewhat of a womanizer, what they call a "ghundah" or "gangster" type. He dresses all snazzy, but acts like gangster. So I knew he was kind of bad sometimes, but not to the extent which shiza told me. I ha dheard he liked driving fast cars, but I didn't know he had gotten into 7 accidents in them. She said he was mostly drunk or high and the leader of a gang. What's weird is that he's not the biggest guy in the world...,he's pretty skinny and bloodshot, I guess from all those dope kicks. Shiza told me about the drug dens they have in pakistan as well. There is so much poverty here,it's unbelievable. Poverty leads to violence and drugs...so it makes sense.

Anyways, the drug dens. Beggars sit in a little tight circle on the ground in these dens and they all stick the needles in their veins at the same time. It's unbelievably scary to see a legless man hobbling around looking for his syringes......

well, I gotta go now so more another time, I hope.
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I am so so so tired. Yesterday I came home and after passing out on my bed, woke up at two in the morning. I am so done.
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ahhhh it's eastover break and It is so relaxing...the weather is pretty sweet too so I'm pretty much outside 24/7 doing everything I can't normally do. I love climbing trees and I climbed a million good ones today. Trees are so wonderful. They're like giant flowers with nice, sun warmed arms and sometimes if you sit in the right angle, it's like you're sitting on the neck of a dinosaur. But that's another story.
anyways, I'm really happy that I got myself another term as secretery so next year is gonna be pretty nice. The only real worry that I have is about my brother and his getting into college. I really hope he gets into a good one. We'll see though, this monday (well 12:01 a.m Monday) is when we see his SAT scores on the computor. I really hope.
I feel so weird. good weird. I'm wearing flip flops. I haven't worn them in a while, so it's really refreshing. I really can't wait til summer. I guess the June is going to be completely overtaken by vacationing since we didn't go anywhere thi year so june will make up for the lack of relaxation. then I'll be volenteering at St. Lukes Hospital like I did last summer. Danyal is too. WE both have enough hours of service, but it's fun working there and it gives me something productive to do. Other than that, I'll be going to the creek and the beach, hanging out with my friends and drumming. I'm getting a new drum set this summer as a late birthday present.
My birthday is coming up MAY 14 yay haha can't wait. I'm going to try and get an i-pod of my own since my brother has one and sharing is ok but I'd like my own still. I definitely want the Red Hot Chili Peppers' new CD Stadium Arcadium obviously. And then if my parents don't agree to a new drum set then I'll get a job and earn myself one.
alright, well I really want to go outside now because it just stopped raining so bye!
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Friends are so wonderful. more wonderful than words can say. I love my friends.
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alrighty. here we go. okay. I never ever ever ever thought I would say this, but....I think I'm having problems with my friends. They're actually consuming my thoughts a lot of the time...and it's really..weird? I've always been the kind of person who never gets sad about my social life, mostly because...I didn't really have one..like..one that was all "oh my gawd, is she not talking to me? how could she?" or "why did he do that? and why did it have to be me?" or whatever...and now it is. I do not like this one bit. Here's the thing..there's this one person I used to be super close with...and as the school year started...we kinda drifted way way waaaaay apart. and now she's got her own little group and I've got mine. but I wanna leave this year with no hard feelings but I can tell she's not gonna be that easy to conquer..y'know? and there's other things too...things I never saw coming that whacked me int he face. and I guess you could say I'm used to getting what I want when I want it. and I'm not getting it. not getting this. but I will. it's just gonna be a hell of an emotional rollercoaster for a while. all I can is hope for the best.
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y'know what I hate? well, hate's a strong and unfavorable word. But, y'know what I dislike strongly? I don't exactly have a name for them, but people who try to be you and then on top of that try to cover it up by adding a dash of their own personality into it, and that never works or mixes well. Let's put it this way. Suppose I create a new ice cream flavor, like Peppermint Cherry, and like, I call it Peppercherry, or whatever, and then some person decides to make a new ice cream flavor too. and they call theirs Cheppermint. WELL. we all know where THAT came from. (that was a completely hypothetical situation right there--the ice cream, I mean) Just thought I'd share my little agony of the day with you.

moving on. Today was another wonderfully adventurous day of my life. hah. I'm not being caustic, or anything. Lately, my life's been really eventful. You know, memorable. The kinds of things are happening that just scream to be written down and never forgotten. Let's see here...My music teacher decided I was good enough to play in front of an audience, so now I have not only one recital next week, but TWO! yaye! My best friend in the entire world and I had a two day sleepover so we could preen and beautify ourselves for no absolute reason. pretty damn great. hmmm, oh right, I made this new friend. His name's Logan and wouldn't you know it, his family owns the brook and the forrest that I love exploring. Kind of a weird coincidence. But, he's sweet and has this really pretty chestnut hair that's kind of scruffy and enormous green eyes. I don't think I've ever met a boy with pure green eyes. it's interesting enough to say here.


I guess I've never mentioned who my best guy friend is, but none of the lj people know him, probably, so I'll use his name: Speed. well,that's his nickname which is pretty much what I call him all the time except when I wanna piss him off. There's a story behind the name "Speed" but I don't think he'd want too many to know. all you need to know is he's awesome and he's 15 and plays the guitar in his band and he's my best friend, I guess. anyways, so my birthday's coming up this May and he gave me an early birthday present. It's the most creative thing I've ever had given to me and funny too. He took a hackysack and somehow made it so the cloth is a picture of his face, grinning and all that. "so you can kick me around anytime," he said. haha, I love that kid, except for when he's an incredible asshole.

Well, I'm gonna go outside or something now. Feeling kinda restless.
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YAYE! it's spring break! why isn't it pretty and warm outside? where are the bees and the birds? Gah, oh well. It's still pretty nice to have so much free time to just think and go outside and play. which is what I did today, despite the cold.
I love that I've been able to hop over the fence in my backyard and discover this completely different place. It's so self-satisfying. I feel like a real explorer. The only thing I hope is that my neighbors don't see me scampering past their yards to get to the woods. The woods at my house are amazing. There's no other word for them. Everyone knows what woods look like, but actually being in one makes so much of a difference. Sure, there are those huge, tall trees. but, like, when you look up at them, it's honestly like faces watching over you. Somehow, I don't know, the leaves and wood and the branches form faces up by the sky. And the sky! It's not just the sky anymore. If you look up and see it, actually see it, it feels like it's this huge blanket of swirly air falling around you. There are all these flowers growing, some of them I don't even know their names. There's the beautiful brook flowing nearby. And the best part is the smell. It's so clean and filling and spicy sometimes it's like ozone. I love the woods. I'd like to think they belong to me, but they don't. Still, it's nice to just sit out on a huge rock or branch or put your legs in the water and just...think, I guess, about being so little in such a big world.
Hah, I'm such a dope. Now I want to be there again. Off I go!
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I've finally gotten the time to update. I've been so busy. This past weekend was actually, for once, nice. Kind of. Friday was...well..let's just forget about friday. but saturday. now saturday was nicccceee. my mom, my brother and I all went to the library and I got to pick out scads and scads of loverly books. Then we went to the moravian bookshop and ate at the deli and it was all sandwiches and snapple and all. it was a perfect cloudless day too and someone was even getting married at the moravian church so we heard the clanging bell. It was the best day! It's days like these that make life worth living.
This week has been so horribly busy with it's tests and essays and papers and all. I wish I wish I wish that everything turns out happily, the way I and my family want it to be. I have a fever. My face is all hot and my cheeks got really red and so did my lips. It hurts but I can't skip a day so I go to school anyways. At least my face doesn't numb up like everyone else's who isn't sick.
I had lunch with Jess today and it was nice and happy. I ate my salad and she ate her lunch and we talked about talking to God. We also talked about playing with the angel on your right shoulder and the devil on your left. It's so nice to connect with people like this. It's like a pretty little wire. It's good. Then I had a cupcake and split it with Alex. My half tasted sweeter than usual because I shared it with Alex. I liked today, kind of.
I also checked with Sean, who's been acting all lovey-dovey these days, to see if I got the last problem on the math test right and I did and I felt happy. I'm going to be an usher on Saturday for the musical. Leigh is too. It's going to be so fun, I hope. I don't think my Mother'll let me go to Funk Night though, just because I'm already going to the musical, although that's mandatory, she thinks one fun think is good enough. It's okay though.
We're starting the poetry unit in english class and I hope I'll like it. Most other times we do the poetry unit in english class, it's all organized thoughts instead of messy the way I want it. So I never like it. I feel like I will this time though. Oh and Mr. Marks said go fuck yourselves today. It was in a poem. It was funny and he said it with real dark passion.

Captain

the breath of smoke slowly swirling
the glisten in his eye
the gentle curve of fingers twirling




hmmm...isn't that funny? I wrote this entry last week and saved it because I couldn't finish it...but, I must've been feeling pretty mellow...


I've been hyperventillating and praying for my brother all day so he would win school treasurer and he made the run-offs but I'm gonna keep praying for tomorrow. I wish to God that he wins.

I'm really angry with Nate. I mean, I know things between me and him have been tense for a while now, but I almost totally lost it when he went up on stage right after my brother's speech and is running against my brother and he did his own speech. It was hysterically funny and everyone was cracking up but I was just sitting there, stiff and contained but inside I was like a bomb..heh, that's funny you know, because at the end of Nate's speech he mentioned something about being under attack by terrorists and well, I must've exploded quietly inside. I just hate what he's doing and more than that, why he's doing it. It's not going to make him feel any better. He came up to me at the end of the day and tapped me on the shoulder, all grinning and stuttering and said the most annoying, obvious and idiotic thing ever (It's not worth putting it on here) and I just whipped around and gave him the double bird and that was that. I feel so ashamed now but I also don't feel like apologizing. When this is all over, I'll do it.



well, here I am again. it's happening more often than it should. But I wrote the thing above like 2 days ago or yesterday or whatever and now I'm writing this.

My brother lost his election. My eyes hurt.
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